I dont know what I feel.. why i felt this way and why am I the one who has to suffer this? I celebrated my birthday last sunday and I seize the day not enjoying every moment of it. Ada apa dengan 10.10.10? Significantly, it was special cuz I am 28 today. 2 plus 8 is 10. I was born on 10-10-1982. 10-10-1+9=10-8+2=10. So?
As I tried hard to recall, it suppose to be the best ever birthday. Unfortunately, it wasnt. Promises that someone made to make my day special, turned out to be the most boring anyone could had. I celebrated my day, with a lot of wishes through my facebook. I got around 40 birthday wishes, thank you so much. But what did I do? Something that is hard for me to explain.
One of the text wishes were from xbf, Ahmad Shauqi.
10-Oct-2010 0002 "Salam. Happy Birthday yg ke 28. Semoga pjg umur, murah rezeki, berjaya dlm semua bdg yg d ceburi. Semoga dirahmati illahi dan d pertemukan jdh dgn org2 yg t'baik dkalangan lelaki. Dan juga x t'putus hbgn 2 insan yg pernah b'cinta (shauqi & safeena). Amin. Jgn buang masa ngn org2 yg x mgkn dpt membahagiakan kita. Jaga diri baik2"
I was speechless. At that time I was with someone who in the future will do the same thing he did. It was painful for me. I felt like I want to call but I hold back. Shauqi asked in the next text "am I the first one to wish you?" I said simple "No. thanks anyway".... am I happy celebrating my birthday? i would answer NO. cuz I know I am just wasting my time being with that person.
There is no need for me to explain who he was.. I guess, the good thing about him is, he told me he cant be with me cuz he's marrying someone else..so, there will be no false hope etc. He told he has to marry because he had promised. No love, etc. I think he's lying just to keep me. He is in a relationship sampai phone pun tutup kan sepanjang i bersama dia.. I wish I have a long talk but he got a headache.. how care and love i have, will never do good. I am worried about his illness. I am so stupid. Shauqi knows about it that's why he texted me like that. Thanks to him, I hesitate to even TRY. I would like to ask something, if that so, why you invited me in? why we still had this conversation? just that you are comfortable with me doesn't mean we can still meet. I had fell.. though I know he is out of my league. I promised to carpe diem with him till the day we cant go on.. cuz loving each other's company what matters. being comfortable makes love grow.. love will transcends... no limit or barrier (Mr. Barrier, I pinjam ur word)..
As I went through my bored and pathetic birthday with no mood to be happy on that day, I texted again '....to just leave it to God cuz we dont know. As a believer, we need to ask God for signs..unless you just dont want to be with me' nuff said. no matter how much I miss you, my heart lights up for you... but my brain still working.. All I need: it's nonverbal: I need love. I need the thing that happens when your brain turns off and your heart turns on.”
At the moment I have wasted my special day that will never come again, It was impossible to love you, and I am so heart B.R.O.K.E.N
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