memang aku gagal. semuanya yang terjadi kat life aku merupakan suatu kegagalan yang takkan pernah aku jangka. semua kawan2 aku ckp, 'tak sangka ko kena semua ni' perception orang bila melihat aku, adalah suatu kegembiraan.. pengorbanan yang akan berakhir dengan kegembiraan.. lelah dan penat semuanya dah aku lakukan untuk mendapat suatu cinta yang pasti.. memang sound so poyo..tapi itulah hakikatnya. i'll be 28 this weekend tapi aku masih keseorangan dalam kehidupan. ye, aku ada family. tapi apa yang family aku harapkan daripada aku? berkahwin dan mempunyai anak. bahagia dan dapat bersama orang yang dapat membahagiakan aku. but im far away from reaching that goal. my dad the other day talking about my elder brother. yes, ive let him know, my brother was in a relationship and had asked someone to marry him. but along the way discussing about my brother my dad asked about me. what about you? you should get married. my eyes were almost teared to let him know that i have lost the battle in saving my relationship with this guy whom my dad has met. He married someone else. i just got up dont want to discuss about it and I said to my dad, 'I am currently single.. and I dont want to think about it.' I didnt tell my dad what had happened. my mom who knows all mum about it.
My life... since school, was not an easy journey. Not sure am I so popular? or I am but trying to be low profile as much as I can. Lotsa my friends i guess were jealous. correct me if I'm wrong but that was what I felt. xpelah.. dengki2 pon dgn aku, still they are happy now. semua pon dah hampir masuk ank nombor 2. aku ada ank tekak je. ramai yang berjaya.. dulu masa sekolah berlemoih ja, pas grad, semua pakat dok kahwin umur 25, 24.. aku ni dok pulun blajaq tak habis2 heheheh.. anyhoot, they are happy. and me as a friend, menumpang gembira. such a long time, i off myself from contacting them but now, facebook penyambung kaseh.. ngeh ngeh ngeh.. dorg semua dah kahwin.. tinggal beberapa kerat jek yang belum. spt aku...my best fren from uitm also dah nak kahwin february thn dpn.. and myb i'll be her bride's maid..maybe... i dont know..
such a crisis in my life, supposedly at my age, i am preparing myself to get married. i mean supposedly, right now, i am married or preparing my wedding. tapi aku masih lagi mendengar lagu dewa 'takkan ada cinta yang lain' or lagu org gile 'lagu cinta' or lagu merajuk boyz II Men 'im doin just fine' or lagu beyoncit 'to the left to the left.. hihi... unfortunate things happen, and love is gone..
bila fikir balik, aku ni tak layak ke disayangi or dipilih. the other day, mom texted me lbh kurang cmni, 'berapa banyak lagi yang na nak kena cuba, kenal hati budi org tapi tak menjadi pon. balik lah cepat. kita bukan kenal pon lelaki tu macam mana. tak serik2 ke?' when i was getting home late lepak with someone.. oh this someone yeah? entah la.. byk sgt krisis.. malas dah.
i am tired actually macam lagu dealova.. 'kerna hati telah letih' itulah yang terjadi.. u sacrified a lot to be with someone.. tapi that someone chose someone else, tak berani nak bagi tahu aku.. malang sungguh.. dia mengaku semua, aku yg terbaik bla bla bla... tapi kau tak pilih aku pon.. i gave my all sacrifice a lot tapi tak kesampaian. regret? tak. sb aku sayang dia. dah janji dgn diri sendiri, apa pon, aku nak dia jadi baik. setia bla bla bla.. biarpun dia curang dan selama 3 thn aku ni hanya org ketiga.. tapi org ke tiga ini yg byk berkorban utk dia smpi dia ckp, 'tak pernah ada org yang menjaga shauqi spt feena jaga shauqi' tapi.....
to be in love with someone skrg susah.. sb aku susah nak jumpa org. bkn tutup pintu hati.. hati ni masih terbuka, walaupun luka tu mmg takkan sembuh macam kanser, aku kena jalani kemo and radio tapi aku masih ingin jatuh chentha..
love, Love is a game that two can play and both win.but i have lost..Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop... and then i have stopped loving someone.. to have met someone and to know someone who so unsure susah jugak.. kenapa org takut sgt dgn aku eh? cinta tu ada tapi....................aku benci tapi..can't we both just love without tapi? tapi itu tapi ini..
the feeling nowadays, so strong and you be miserable by just missing him.. he got his issues to concentrate on.. fine, xpelah.. i let him be.. let him.. i prayed that this time around how have sinned i am, I hope Allah will show me the way. and be lucky again. I know he is out my criteria.. but I guess we have been on the same page. just that he doesnt realised that. being a good investigator on someone's feeling, guys will be guys.. they be with you.. deny everything.. kissed and hugged you.. whisper lovely words you wanna hear.. yet still lying will be their forte.. sad? i am crying.. i cant bear the feeling.. aku pon bkn nak sgt kahwin dgn kau.. aku pon skrgni bkn sgt nak kahwin.. tapi kenapa we lost the battle even the war has not started? letting go is what i am best at.. u said u wanna go with flow, tapi tak go with flow pon.. love let share love, dear!
i want love. I want love, just a different kind, I want love, won't break me down, Won't brick me up, won't fence me in, I want a love, that don't mean a thing, That's the love I want, I want love..
just that I have put my promised that I will not break. you can count on me!
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