If you could teach me

I got his email at 5:33p.m today. A simple one

salam..

lama tak dengar cita bz ke?... ;(

And I dont know how to reply it. I just cant get myself to reply his email now.. kenapa eh? dah tak boleh nak taip even a simple 'yes, i am very busy mending my broken heart where you left it crushed.' or just a simple 'yes, im currently busy doing my projects and bla bla bla bla..'

its already been 10 days since i last saw you.. at your wedding. I fly out of KL to your hometown in pokok sena, kedah just to attend your wedding for 2 hours? well,, alhamdulillah i didnt feel anything. kan dah promise bila you ajak i pergi wedding you i akan dtg through the shortest route i can find during a bad traffic of syawal.. fly out.. entah la mana datang kesanggupan itu. i dah experience and i guess im ok. yes, when you fetch me at the airport (when your wife not around) and I felt so... weird. meeting my bf (xbf) again after all that you did to me marrying someone else without the intention of telling me is so hard you know. tapi i get through it.. and the guts that you had..you really insist fetching me at the airport while i got friends who willing to help out really felt so unbearable. its easy for you but its hard for me. i know you want to meet the second you got chance cuz you've called me days before to plan. asking where i stay, who fetching me.. i got myself lying saying i had this guy who will... but things got out of hand where I guess, God really wanted us to meet anyway.. i follow the flow though i hate it..but i get through it..

You cakap i ni perempuan paling tabah you jumpa dalam hidup you.. tapi ketabahan tu tak impress you pun, tabah itu bukan yang u mahukan.. fyi, i bkn org yg tabah sgt.. remember when u send me to my hotel, i broke down and you almost too? that's it.. tabah ke tu? tak, bukan? the next day at your kenduri kahwin walau pun i tahu u dah pun selamat jadi suami org 3 bulan lepas, i still rasa something. tapi i shut off my head from hearing what satans have to say. I'm there because the promise we made before you got married i'll come to your wedding and ive made it! Hujan selebat-lebat alam bila pengantin tiba,,,rahmat? or the indication of tears the hearts you've broken before? not me alone, remember? tapi kita anggap yang baik2 shj. hujan rahmat as long tak menyusahkan pengunjung kenduri you.

Seeing you with someone else beside you made me realised I am not with you anymore. Though i nampak mata you melilau dok mencari seseorang.. i came with your old gf from school. the one you sort of played around with weeks before your wedding.. she said. "mata dia dok melilau cari feena la tu" and i just smile back and reply "mana ada" mmg u sibuk mencari padahal i ada je dpn mata, u tak nampak.. dengan bangga you pamer isteri you... she looked nice but a lil bit 'ketat' tak happy ke? the only smiling face i saw is when both of you were in front of the camera..fake smiling (standard shauqi and cant believe she did too...guess she learned best, she learned from you) ... i knew she doesnt know i came.. i knew everyone there.. ur frens, best frens, officemate, ur families. ur sisters, ur mom knew about me.. ur neighbour etc. but i dengan selambe je buat tak tahu, tegur2 manje bila disapa, cukup lah kot.. but deep down i was so broken. i tak nak rosak majlis org.. what to cry for anyway.. we were not meant to be, u said so remember? bila i salam ur mom, she said 'terima kasih sb datang dari jauh, dari perlis' she told ur elder sister i ni kwn shauqi dtg dari perlis.. then i ckp 'tak saya dtg dari kl' entah la kalau ur mom terkejut. dalam hati i, nak je i ckp 'minta maaf kat makcik sebab mak saya call' tapi tak terkeluar. i hope she has forgiven me.. ur mom nampak kurus sikit.. (tula you, habis duit mak u utk wedding you smpi kurus jadinye hehe) i tahu dia kenal i masa mula i jumpa dia and ur whole family at the hospital visiting your dad (cerita kat hospital tu tak kan i lupa smpi bila2..sayu hati i ni) . masa i mula2 smpi, nak mkn,ur mom intai2 i,,i plak dress mcm mak datin dgn scarf i yg separuh. semua org akn bertudung so at least i tutup half of my head. i xnk jadi hipokrit kan dan berbeza dgn org lain kalau i tak bertudung..at least separuh..oklah..slowly.. so i tak cover my hair semua..i wore yellow dress, to look like a sunshine indication i am very happy to attend your wedding, ceria, no more sadness..Allah shj yang tahu.. everyone looks good. ur dad even i tahu dia tak sihat, nmpk ceria. alhamdulillah. ramai org mendoakan kesihatan dia.

masa nak balik, tak terucap kata2 apa pon bila i saw ur face. bini u dok kusyuk mkn.. hehe.. i saw her. so i biarkan aje dengar u ckp 'terima kasih sb datang' i reply 'sama-sama' and walk away.. ur old gf ckp 'tahniah' and we all blah aje.. tengah2 jln jmpa uncle radzi ur neighbour who knows all our stories.. ckp dgn dia sekejap then i balik. he asked me to give him a call which one day i will... i just tak tahu how to thank him enough dgn just tanya khabar and everyone's watching.. i tak tahan dgn mata2 tu, tersentap sb i kenal dia ke?...mmg pelik sb bersama dgn i, u kenalkan semua kwn2 you, termasuk neighbour you...tujuan you? i pon tak tahu..u pun tahu kita takkan bersama tapi kenapa...... so i mmg cepat nak beredar. enough!

i took my heart away then i decided to forget all about you. that's why i dont to reply ur email.. yet. malam tu you ckp, 'insyaAllah ada rezeki kita akn bersama semula' tapi i shut my head off again. block my head from hearing that over and over again. a promise. that will never fulfill. u dah dgr apa i ckp mlm tu...when u asked "what else should i do?" well dear, you've chose. you had made ur choice who u wants to marry. dia itu, dia ini..baik dan bla3.sounds like a perfect match for you nak jadikan isteri you selamanya walaupun diukur dari diri you, memang tak layak bersama dia...tapi siapa i, nak ckp u layak atau tidak.. i tak ada apa yg dia ada.. jadi u dah menang. dapat apa you nak. bonus sebab mak you suka kan dia. tak suka pada i..itu lagi mengukuhkan reason you kahwin dgn dia walaupun you tak mampu.. as long as you happy. i ckp dgn u satu benda 'sudah lah cukup lah' itu amaran keras i pada you jangan lagi tanya khabar i dan all ur ex-es.. tapi you tak faham..tujuan i hanya satu.. you dah dpt org yg baik dlm hidup you, yg u mahukan jadi cukup lah jangan aniaya dia lagi..      
 
tipulah kalau i ckp i tak teringatkan you.. xde la i kat sini lagi berdepan dgn relationships yang bukan2 selepas dgn you..i masih sama macam dulu mencari cinta tapi bkn spt apa yg pernah kita ada..dan i msh terlibat dgn dosa. dan msh tak serik2 terluka...kdg i wonder, kan best i dpt bersama you.. i promise it will never boring.. u kan tahu what i am looking for kan? i love you, and i love ur family even though dulu i tahu, mak you takkan approve i.. i selalu imagine 'kite' tapi semua tu tinggal imagine je...

After i dah sygkan you kebaikan dan kekurangan you, susah dan senang you and its all about you in our precious 3years... i masih lagi sendiri... ingatkan senang mencari cinta selepas you.. tapi perjalanan dia makin hari makin susah.. ada jumpa dgn seseorang... tapi awal2 lagi dah diberitahu takkan dapat bersama walaupun tak pernah mencuba.. senjata dah letak, dah surrender walaupun belum pergi berperang.. myb dia tak punya rasa yg sama dgn i walaupun sanggup berkawan rapat acting loving towards each other with kisses and hugs, or myb i mmg dah ditakdirkan keseorangan dan hanya punya masa utk have fun shj. there the only love i can express.. that's all. or i sedang menjadi seperti you?

Anyway, in my empty hearts macam tu juga lah i tinggal kan sepi email tanpa reply. i really hope u understand. i dh tak boleh lagi...sebab i tak sanggup killing myself sb you.

jangan ditangisi keputusan muktamad yang you telah lakukan.. u sendiri pernah beritahu i simply, 'terimalah takdir'

and so.... i terima :-) keep ur sweet smile even though it fake.

no subject

 Sept 8, 2010 6.02p.m

Ahmad Shauqi Abdul Halim,

feena byk buat salah kat baby,,, tu je lah,,, semua tentang kita satu kesilapan,, sejak berjumpa smpi ke saat ni,, entah kenapa, apa hikmahnya,,, feena tak larat nak figure out lagi,, KESILAPAN.. itu aja ayat yang betul nak describe SHAUQI and SAFEENA.. adakah kita yang melawan arus atau shauqi yg melawan arus melepaskan feena. takdir? kenapa begi hebat dugaan kita? kalau benar ia nya satu kesilapan, setitik airmata tak akan jatuh b.. apa yg kita lakukan adalah melukakan hati sendiri..

feena, dlm keadaan terasa sangat kecil, kadang2 putus harapan pada Allah. jujurnya... tapi tak boleh feena rasa macam tu... kalau ini lah caranya Allah ingin menarik feena menjadi baik, feena redha.. semoga menjadi dan feena tak ulang silap feena lagi.. tapi feena hanya manusia dan org yg nak ambil kesempatan sgt ramai kat dunia ni.. feena harus memilih.. feena bernafsu.. nafsu nak dicintai, disayangi dan mcm2 nafsu lagi.. jika xxxxxxxx juga menyebabkan feena rasa disayangi, perlukah feena kejar semua itu? rasa kotor dan jijik rasa tak diperlukan.. shauqi juga pernah perlakukan feena macam ......dan kena tinggal. xpe lah.. aku cinta kan kau shauqi itu shj yang aku tahu..

i tak pernah berkorban sebegini besar utk org lain.. entah kenapa dgn u i sanggup.. itu silap i lagi.. entah kenapa, u bknlah org yg hensem sgt,,, baik sgt,, entah kenapa magik u menjadi kat i... silap lagi... again, i tak pernah berkorban sebegini besar utk org lain kecuali you... melihat you happy, adalah kegembiraan i juga walaupun dgn air mata dan hati yang berat,,, lbh baik u bahagia dgn org lain daripada merana dgn i... boleh kah begitu? i dh dicaci, dihina... sebab org tak kenal siapa i.. u kenal i.. jadi u lbh tahu..

apa lah dosa i sehingga begini jadi nya pada i? apa yg dh i lakukan sehingga begini takdirnya utk i? kenapakah bila kita jadi begini, terus putus harap terhadap kasih syg dan merasakan mati itu lbh baik... taubat kita itu betul2 taubatkah? i....rasa nak sgt disayangi,,,tapi i xdpt. xpelah... i dh berkorban dan perlu korban lagi...

anyway, disebabkan kesilapan kita itu..kesilapan yang tidak tahu apakah hikmahnya,,,, safeena nak minta maaf dgn shauqi.. jujurnya, i serik. maaf zahir batin, sayang.. i syg u dan msh rasa yang sama.... smpi bila? i pon tak tahu..

Selamat hari raya aidilfitri.. jaga diri baik2 ye,, i harap u bahagia sgt,, biarlah apa pon kan,,, baju bai tu, ok lg tak? raya ni pakai lagi tak? i rindukan u,,,,

--
Neena Azamuddin

Sept 9, 2010 9.04 a.m

Di sebening pagi Ramadhan 30 ini, I skali lagi menitis air mata setelah menghayati email yg di terima semalam..

Terlalu sedih dan tiada kata ucap yang dapat menggambarkan bagaimana rasanya hati ini.. terharu, sedih, kecewa dan macam-macam lagi. 

    Kalau nak dikatakan ianya satu kesilapan, mungkin kita salah coz hanya Allah sahaja yang tahu perkenalan kita. Dan kita hanya menurut jalan cerita yang telah ditakdirkan. Oleh sebab itu manusia tak boleh nak melawan takdir. Ianya terlalu rahsia dan tiada kata kunci yang dapat membukanya...

    Memang I tidak dapat menafikan lagi pengorbanan you yang telalu banyak dan tiada tolok bandingnya bagi I.. Kalaulah nak dikatakan duit sebagai kayu ukurnya, jika dikumpulkan sehari RM1 sehingga mati pun I tak boleh bayar balik pengorbanan you terhadap I selama ini. Bukan sekadar itu juga, kasih sayang yang you berikan pada I pun terlalu tinggi nilainya.. Sehinggakan Shauqi sendiri mengalir air mata jika dikenangkan kembali.. Apa2 pun dengan ingatan itulah Shauqi tetap dan masih sayangkan Feena lagi ..  

    Memang kejahilan Shauqi itu membuatkan Feena rasa dianianya.. tetapi ingatlah bahawa Shauqi tidak berniat langsung nak anianya Feena. Mungkin ada hikmah atau pun itu sebagai satu permulaan perkenalan kita yang akan bertaut kembali kemudian hari. Hanya Allah sahaja yang tahu. Tolong janganlah nak diungkitkan lagi soal2 xxxxxxx sebab Shauqi tak berniat nak lakukan sebegitu terhadap Feena. Semua yang berlaku adalah hasil dorongan syaitan semata2 dengan kelemahan iman Shauqi..

    Dengan bakal tibanya Syawal esok, Shauqi ingin memohon jutaan kemaafan atas salah laku, terkasar terkurang bahasa, terlanjur xxxxxxx, tertipu dan menipu apa jua, termakan terminum dan terguna duit feena dan segalanya yang feena rasa kurang senang dengan Shauqi, Shauqi ingin sekali lagi memohon kemaafan zahir dan batin.

yg merinduimu

SHAUQi

Quarter Life Crisis

Have you ever heard of quarter-life crisis? I dont know what it is until a friend; Aiman (my ex-bf from school who became friends after few years) called me up and told me he had this crisis. This crisis happens to people in their quarter life 20s-30s when suddenly you realised you are all alone in a crowded places and you dont know what to do. Usually it happened to someone who is single, had a good job, a highly educated intellectual and they are not sure what they are doing. Graduated, moved out from parents and friends and do not have someone to hold on to like a life partner etc. and the changes are,,, so fast and you dont realised it. Aiman told me, that the only person who understands and probably in the same page is ME. yup. ive googled and yes, I am in that TOO! yes,, later after we hung up he texted me: "its an age where a lot people start developing a more realistic life outlook in its life and start feeling that they havent accomplished certain thing in life they thought they would by then, that they may never (even though this even true and they still have a long time to attain their goal and dreams)haha. welcome to reality.

Googled and took this from here http://www.cds.caltech.edu/~shane/text/quarterlifecrisis.html ...This describes well of what ive been going through right now.. and this is so pathetic.

The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. (yes, i thought about this millions time)

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. (ive lost my best friend, she's getting married and really though she was sincere but in the end she told me to live with the fact that changes happens when best friend getting married..and i am so sad)

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. (this is happened to me too, when what you work as, is not something you wanna do)

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. (this happened to me recently)

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. (fuck this is me minus the one night stand thingy)

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

----Since i was in a high school, i never thought my life could be this way. and wondering how come someone like me, could suffer a life crisis like this? unfair init?

Love Zodiac Profile Crap

Taken from whatever love zodiac u should not believe but mostly true! hi hi. my bad

Love Zodiac Profile- Libra

If you are Libra:
You are fantastic and a very sexy lover. You love mush and romance in your relationships. You like to flirt even when you are committed but most of it is harmless fun. You tend to trust anyone very fast. So be careful because you fall in love too fast. You love peaceful dinners and relaxed evening walks with your partner. You are an extremely passionate lover and the opposite sex adores you for that. You express your love whenever and wherever you can. You take great care of your sweetheart and shower all your attention on your sweetheart.

Your kissing style:
Your kisses are wild and amazing.

To attract you, the opposite sex must be:
Stylish, sophisticated, attentive, mysterious, etc.

You are more compatible with - Aries, Aquarius, Gemini
You are less compatible with - Scorpio, Virgo, Capricorn