If you could teach me

I got his email at 5:33p.m today. A simple one

salam..

lama tak dengar cita bz ke?... ;(

And I dont know how to reply it. I just cant get myself to reply his email now.. kenapa eh? dah tak boleh nak taip even a simple 'yes, i am very busy mending my broken heart where you left it crushed.' or just a simple 'yes, im currently busy doing my projects and bla bla bla bla..'

its already been 10 days since i last saw you.. at your wedding. I fly out of KL to your hometown in pokok sena, kedah just to attend your wedding for 2 hours? well,, alhamdulillah i didnt feel anything. kan dah promise bila you ajak i pergi wedding you i akan dtg through the shortest route i can find during a bad traffic of syawal.. fly out.. entah la mana datang kesanggupan itu. i dah experience and i guess im ok. yes, when you fetch me at the airport (when your wife not around) and I felt so... weird. meeting my bf (xbf) again after all that you did to me marrying someone else without the intention of telling me is so hard you know. tapi i get through it.. and the guts that you had..you really insist fetching me at the airport while i got friends who willing to help out really felt so unbearable. its easy for you but its hard for me. i know you want to meet the second you got chance cuz you've called me days before to plan. asking where i stay, who fetching me.. i got myself lying saying i had this guy who will... but things got out of hand where I guess, God really wanted us to meet anyway.. i follow the flow though i hate it..but i get through it..

You cakap i ni perempuan paling tabah you jumpa dalam hidup you.. tapi ketabahan tu tak impress you pun, tabah itu bukan yang u mahukan.. fyi, i bkn org yg tabah sgt.. remember when u send me to my hotel, i broke down and you almost too? that's it.. tabah ke tu? tak, bukan? the next day at your kenduri kahwin walau pun i tahu u dah pun selamat jadi suami org 3 bulan lepas, i still rasa something. tapi i shut off my head from hearing what satans have to say. I'm there because the promise we made before you got married i'll come to your wedding and ive made it! Hujan selebat-lebat alam bila pengantin tiba,,,rahmat? or the indication of tears the hearts you've broken before? not me alone, remember? tapi kita anggap yang baik2 shj. hujan rahmat as long tak menyusahkan pengunjung kenduri you.

Seeing you with someone else beside you made me realised I am not with you anymore. Though i nampak mata you melilau dok mencari seseorang.. i came with your old gf from school. the one you sort of played around with weeks before your wedding.. she said. "mata dia dok melilau cari feena la tu" and i just smile back and reply "mana ada" mmg u sibuk mencari padahal i ada je dpn mata, u tak nampak.. dengan bangga you pamer isteri you... she looked nice but a lil bit 'ketat' tak happy ke? the only smiling face i saw is when both of you were in front of the camera..fake smiling (standard shauqi and cant believe she did too...guess she learned best, she learned from you) ... i knew she doesnt know i came.. i knew everyone there.. ur frens, best frens, officemate, ur families. ur sisters, ur mom knew about me.. ur neighbour etc. but i dengan selambe je buat tak tahu, tegur2 manje bila disapa, cukup lah kot.. but deep down i was so broken. i tak nak rosak majlis org.. what to cry for anyway.. we were not meant to be, u said so remember? bila i salam ur mom, she said 'terima kasih sb datang dari jauh, dari perlis' she told ur elder sister i ni kwn shauqi dtg dari perlis.. then i ckp 'tak saya dtg dari kl' entah la kalau ur mom terkejut. dalam hati i, nak je i ckp 'minta maaf kat makcik sebab mak saya call' tapi tak terkeluar. i hope she has forgiven me.. ur mom nampak kurus sikit.. (tula you, habis duit mak u utk wedding you smpi kurus jadinye hehe) i tahu dia kenal i masa mula i jumpa dia and ur whole family at the hospital visiting your dad (cerita kat hospital tu tak kan i lupa smpi bila2..sayu hati i ni) . masa i mula2 smpi, nak mkn,ur mom intai2 i,,i plak dress mcm mak datin dgn scarf i yg separuh. semua org akn bertudung so at least i tutup half of my head. i xnk jadi hipokrit kan dan berbeza dgn org lain kalau i tak bertudung..at least separuh..oklah..slowly.. so i tak cover my hair semua..i wore yellow dress, to look like a sunshine indication i am very happy to attend your wedding, ceria, no more sadness..Allah shj yang tahu.. everyone looks good. ur dad even i tahu dia tak sihat, nmpk ceria. alhamdulillah. ramai org mendoakan kesihatan dia.

masa nak balik, tak terucap kata2 apa pon bila i saw ur face. bini u dok kusyuk mkn.. hehe.. i saw her. so i biarkan aje dengar u ckp 'terima kasih sb datang' i reply 'sama-sama' and walk away.. ur old gf ckp 'tahniah' and we all blah aje.. tengah2 jln jmpa uncle radzi ur neighbour who knows all our stories.. ckp dgn dia sekejap then i balik. he asked me to give him a call which one day i will... i just tak tahu how to thank him enough dgn just tanya khabar and everyone's watching.. i tak tahan dgn mata2 tu, tersentap sb i kenal dia ke?...mmg pelik sb bersama dgn i, u kenalkan semua kwn2 you, termasuk neighbour you...tujuan you? i pon tak tahu..u pun tahu kita takkan bersama tapi kenapa...... so i mmg cepat nak beredar. enough!

i took my heart away then i decided to forget all about you. that's why i dont to reply ur email.. yet. malam tu you ckp, 'insyaAllah ada rezeki kita akn bersama semula' tapi i shut my head off again. block my head from hearing that over and over again. a promise. that will never fulfill. u dah dgr apa i ckp mlm tu...when u asked "what else should i do?" well dear, you've chose. you had made ur choice who u wants to marry. dia itu, dia ini..baik dan bla3.sounds like a perfect match for you nak jadikan isteri you selamanya walaupun diukur dari diri you, memang tak layak bersama dia...tapi siapa i, nak ckp u layak atau tidak.. i tak ada apa yg dia ada.. jadi u dah menang. dapat apa you nak. bonus sebab mak you suka kan dia. tak suka pada i..itu lagi mengukuhkan reason you kahwin dgn dia walaupun you tak mampu.. as long as you happy. i ckp dgn u satu benda 'sudah lah cukup lah' itu amaran keras i pada you jangan lagi tanya khabar i dan all ur ex-es.. tapi you tak faham..tujuan i hanya satu.. you dah dpt org yg baik dlm hidup you, yg u mahukan jadi cukup lah jangan aniaya dia lagi..      
 
tipulah kalau i ckp i tak teringatkan you.. xde la i kat sini lagi berdepan dgn relationships yang bukan2 selepas dgn you..i masih sama macam dulu mencari cinta tapi bkn spt apa yg pernah kita ada..dan i msh terlibat dgn dosa. dan msh tak serik2 terluka...kdg i wonder, kan best i dpt bersama you.. i promise it will never boring.. u kan tahu what i am looking for kan? i love you, and i love ur family even though dulu i tahu, mak you takkan approve i.. i selalu imagine 'kite' tapi semua tu tinggal imagine je...

After i dah sygkan you kebaikan dan kekurangan you, susah dan senang you and its all about you in our precious 3years... i masih lagi sendiri... ingatkan senang mencari cinta selepas you.. tapi perjalanan dia makin hari makin susah.. ada jumpa dgn seseorang... tapi awal2 lagi dah diberitahu takkan dapat bersama walaupun tak pernah mencuba.. senjata dah letak, dah surrender walaupun belum pergi berperang.. myb dia tak punya rasa yg sama dgn i walaupun sanggup berkawan rapat acting loving towards each other with kisses and hugs, or myb i mmg dah ditakdirkan keseorangan dan hanya punya masa utk have fun shj. there the only love i can express.. that's all. or i sedang menjadi seperti you?

Anyway, in my empty hearts macam tu juga lah i tinggal kan sepi email tanpa reply. i really hope u understand. i dh tak boleh lagi...sebab i tak sanggup killing myself sb you.

jangan ditangisi keputusan muktamad yang you telah lakukan.. u sendiri pernah beritahu i simply, 'terimalah takdir'

and so.... i terima :-) keep ur sweet smile even though it fake.