At the moment of truth, I have engaged myself in rather difficult situation. Love life and work becomes so unbearable and difficult simply because I chose to be in that situation.
Work wise, I thought I've become kinda important where everything is on my shoulder. As a project engineer, I have to engaged with a lot of thing; coordinating my people, proposals, projects, meetings, documentation, appointments and etc. Run here and there, kena tioa biasa lah tu. Kena pijak kepala. Went to site with my heel covered with mud (i need safety boots, OK), working under the sun, got tanned. Oh no so unbearable. But honestly, I am happy with my job. However, I must say, I kinda tired when I need assistance to do a small things, my assistant per say, cant deliver what I expected. Waiting for me to give orders. And cant think of logical behind the simplified things I've done. I am not sure why I am so concern of being the perfectionist. As an October baby, I have to say, we tend to do things perfectly. My perfect definition of perfect manner is doing things right. Not leaving single things out. What I said is clear. And how clear you want me to explain when all you have to do is being logical? I explain, I make you think. I am not pressuring to be perfect all the time because I am no-no perfect person. I guess, dah tua agaknya, rasa benda tu perlukan sempurna, maka perlulah sempurnakan.. Kadang-kadang rasa pelik, sebab sebelum aku menjadi seperti sekarang aku tak kisah pon. Asalkan kerja itu terlaksana. Yes, according to numerology, I will reached my real/peak potential when I can be a perfectionist, well organized, and oriented. Am I reaching there? Not even close, but ada. That's enough and MORE TO COME.
In love wise, I must say I am at my peak of loving someone. But not giving too much. The lesser the better. Less is more. Less giving is more love. And by doing that, I have to say, I am ready at anytime to let go the one I loved. Cuz I believe, there is always a silver lining. I have nothing to lose. If that person is the best, the one that meant for me, it will be easy for us to love, although the love gets tough. And if Allah has set/ or its already written that I will be single forever, I still can accept it. And say Alhamdulillah. Yes, yes, being together with someone you love, when 2 becomes 1 are the sweetest thing. All we have to do is pray. All the time every moment. My concept of believing in miracle might be different from everyone else. Untuk tipikal orang, beribadat itu sebab kita perlu beribadat.. tapi untuk apa? sebab kita orang Islam. For me, there are reasons why we pray.
Life has so much things to offer. If you believe that things around exist because of The One (Allah), money wise, life wise, and so on so forth, so in order to appreciate The Creator and The Giver, what should we do? We pray, we fast during ramadhan and etc. Abide the FIVE pillars in Islam and of course leave other things that Allah prevented you to do. Yes, I have sinned. and I have learned my lesson. And Thank to Allah, I am allright. At my best of reaching the peak of becoming matured. THE PRECIOUS PRICE OF TEST IS MATURITY. If you cant change yourself after certain test from Him, you are still failing. Fail to accept, fail in everything, Fail to really believed in Allah miracle. We tend to pressure God, oh please give me this and that I want him, kalau dia tak ada aku mati, tolong lah bagi without even saying, tak apa kalau tak dapat, mudahkan aku redha atas ketentuanMu. Kalau di paksa-paksa, apa yang terjadi? Kemungkinan dapat itu dapat, tapi dalam keadaan terpaksa lah.. hati tak rela, sampi bila mahu bertahan? setahun, dua tahun atau sehari, dua hari? Alangkah bahagia jika kita dapat dengan rela hati mencintai seseorang. Datang lah ribut petir apa sahaja lah yang menghalang, chentha itu tetap tegap, utuh, kuat. Harungi bersama. Semuanya.
Sebenarnya, apa yang terjadi kat hidup kita, contoh musibah, adalah pelajaran terus dari Allah. Mungkin kita masih bersujud solat, tapi kita tak redha dengan apa yang telah ditentukan. Soal jodoh, ajal dsb, semuanya itu telah ditetapkan. Aku suka ayat seribu dinar
Dengan nama Allah Yang Maha Pemurah Lagi Maha Mengasihani. Dan sesiapa yang bertaqwa kepada Allah (dengan mengerjakan suruhanNya dan meninggalkan laranganNya), nescaya akan dijadikan baginya jalan keluar (dari segala perkara yang menyusahkannya). Serta memberinya rezeki dari jalan yang tidak terlintas hatinya. Dan (ingatlah), sesiapa berserah diri bulat-bulat kepada Allah, maka Allah cukupkan baginya (untuk menolong dan menyelamatkannya). Sesungguhnya Allah tetap melakukan segala perkara yang di kehendakiNya. Allah telahpun menentukan kadar dan masa bagi berlakunya tiap-tiap sesuatu.
(Ayat 2 & 3 Surah At-Talaq)
Amal selepas solat 3 kali, insyaAllah akan diberi jalan keluar terhadap permasalah yang dihadapi dengan jalan dan rezeki yang tidak disangka-sangka. Renung yang ini "Sesungguhnya Allah tetap melakukan segala perkara yang di kehendakiNya. Allah telahpun menentukan kadar dan masa bagi berlakunya tiap-tiap sesuatu."
Betul ada yang kata USAHA. This is part of my usaha, tapi usaha tu apa sebenarnya? dah rosak lagi merosakkan ke? kalau usaha itu bersungguh-sungguh namun hati manusia yang disukai itu tidak dapat diubah, perlukah berusaha lagi? Usaha itu senang dalam bentuk pertanyaan. Jika sudah diberi jawapan, percayalah itu lah jawapan kepada usaha anda. THAT IS PART OF THE EFFORT ALREADY! Namun, ramai yang jadi lebih bodoh. Kerana memang suka menjadi bodoh berusaha dan buang masa.
I admit, belajar untuk redha itu sungguh payah jika hati tu sudah berkarat tak mahu berubah dan terima ketentuanNya. Tapi, meminta-minta lah dengan Dia. Sebab Dia suka hambaNya bersuara. Every moment, every time. and kasih sayang Dia tu sangat Agung. Serah bulat-bulat hati pada Dia yang punya untuk ditentu redha kan jalan keluar. Betul, sesudah musibah, ada pelangi gembira. Namun dalam pelangi gembira ada lagi kesusahan. Ini UJIAN. Teguh atau tidak chentha yang sedang berbunga.
My heart sank yesterday, then I took moments to be silence. Phone rang and I still in silence and not reaching to answering until the phone went flat. Estranged. Divided. Separated. with moment of silence. And I got into senses. someone whisper, TRY feen, you'll know. Dialled. No Answer. Called. No Answer. Dialled. No Answer.............
The phone rang. Answered. A male voice I recognized "I am worried. After dinner, I went here alone. I am worried." "Whats wrong, love?" "I am worried about my parents, my siblings, and YOU" "What's up with me, love? What to worry about me?" "I am afraid that I am losing you, well............ I know and I thought you wont do that to me, I still believe that. But I am afraid. I dont want to lose you" A men with worried tone, a men with painful crying voice, I heard. A men who grieving.
Nur Safeena "Kapal yang bercahaya" sakit pun dia, gembira pun dia. apa pun dia ADA. tetap kan ADA. bila habis selesai, ditinggal-tinggal kan.. biasa lah.. dah adat menjadi Safeena. Seorang KAPAL BAHTERA.
A kakak and a bestfriend once told me this:
'If Allah brings you to it, He will bring you through it. Happy moments, praise Allah, Difficult moments, seek Allah, Quiet moments, worship Allah, Painful moments, trust Allah, every moment, Alhamdulillah..'
When I manage to calm down the painful grieving worried men tone, I whine.. How bad the situation is. How sad I am. How could this happen? How to help him? How to go on? But then again, support from the worried men then, calmed me down. I got texted after "Dont feel bad on anything rite.. no matter what no matter how this is a best test to US, my parents, self..God planned this for me not to fail-fear, God is not stupid, am just happy I got this chance to love Him more to love my parents & SAFEENA. Simple saying its a 2011 gift!" and another well-remembered one, "I saw a mass murder but pulse kept norm & hands stand still without shaking! that's how I feel right now, remember that! I will stand up for Him, family & you, Safeena.. no doubt at all."
In the end though, we support each other. And this is the best feelings.
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